Monday, October 27, 2008

lowsy blogger

so.. i am a pretty lowsy blogger. and that makes me a little sad because i am a pretty lowsy journal writer too. i feel like i don't have the time to blog. when really... i just don't make the time. i am so blessed to live with the girls that i do. they are amazing girls who are bright and beautiful, so capable, and who really have the desire to lead righteous lives. i am so grateful that i have the opportunity to live with them and to be a part of their lives. in a way, i don't want to get married just yet because i feel like i would miss out on amazing opportunities like the ones i am having. i don't know... it is so overwhelming sometimes to think about jd and about the future and the fact that i really have no idea what the next year is going to bring. i wish i wasn't so apprehensive- that i could just love him and give my life to him and never doubt that decision. i feel like i haven't developed the faith i need to devote my whole self to someone else. i feel like that is such a vulnerable place to be and i am scared. i try not to be.. and sometimes i convince myself that there is nothing to be afraid of. but honestly, if you were to break down all the walls, and peel away the pretenses... you would find that i'm a wreck. i don't know why this opportunity has come into my life right now. i don't want to make this decision. i just want to play and to go to school and work and serve a mission. i just want to date for fun and experience independence. then again... i want to share my life with him. i want to love him and do everything in my power to make him happy. i want to tell him my secrets, my stories, my fears, my dreams.. i want to build a home and live the principles of the gospel... i want to come home to him, to kiss him goodnight every night for the rest of my life. and then i think about stephen and how i wanted all these things with him too. i was so happy with him. and then i just get afraid again. because if i felt those things with stephen and it felt so right but it didn't work out... and i feel these things for jd and it feels so right... how do i know it is going to work out? i don't want to hurt him and i don't want to get hurt. i am scared that he has no idea what he is really getting into... that he doesn't know that i can't cook and that i'm a terrible seamstress, and that i struggle when i can't find answers to my gospel questions, and that i forget to say my morning prayers, and that i really really don't like animals, and that i'm a lot weaker on the inside than i seem from the outside. i feel like if he really knew me, he might not think i am as wonderful as he presently thinks... i don't know... i feel like he is so righteous and that i am simply not what he deserves as a wife. and that is such a horrible thing to say... but i really do feel that way. i feel like i am so immature and that i like pink too much and i don't know how to decorate a home and i don't know how to run a family. and ah. i just never,ever thought i would ever even be considering marriage at 19 and now it's happening and it's like i just don't know what to do with all these thoughts. and jd is so wonderful when i start feeling like this... i just talk and cry and he just listens and tells me that if i am doing the things i know i should be doing... then the Lord will bless me and i will have the direction that i need. and he tells me that he doesn't want to rush anything and that he loves me and that he wants me to be happy and that he wants me to feel peace... and everytime he tells me that... my soul is still and it is okay. it is okay to let your heart love. it is okay to be loved. it is okay to be this happy forever and ever. because honestly, i am the happiest i have ever been in my life and i don't want to lose this feeling. nonetheless, i still worry the way i do about everything and i am really working on developing the faith to make a decision and know it is right... pray for me :)

Friday, October 10, 2008

falling in love.

I think that I should begin this blog with the open admittance that I am in love. I am currently overwhelmed with my life, but it's a good overwhelming feeling. I think it's so overwhelming because there are so many things happening that I didn't anticipate. Let me explain: I went back to Texas this past summer intending to get a job, save some money, spend time with my family, and enjoy the company of old friends. I did not, by any means, foresee finding a man that I would want to marry. However, the Lord works in mysterious ways. J.D. came to San Antonio to sell security systems for Platinum Protection. He, similarly, was not looking for love. He really wanted just to have a fun summer with his friends and stay focused on selling. Well, as the story goes, I decided, reluctantly, that I would attend church at the singles ward rather than with my family in our home ward. One of J.D.'s friends ended up inviting me over to his place to for a movie night. I thought to myself.. "These boys seem fun. We could play this summer, I suppose." After hanging out with the boys a couple of times, I decided that I really thought this J.D. character was a stud. He was so stinkin' cute and had such a happy personality. I was definitely attracted to him, but didn't plan on really doing anything about it. One night, my girlfriends and I were heading over to their place to hang out, but we were super hungry so we stopped at Whataburger. I texted J.D. and asked him if he wanted anything. He said something along the lines of.. "I just ate. But if you got me a strawberry milkshake, I wouldn't be upset." Well, of course, I got him the biggest strawberry milkshake they had and when we got to their apartment, I wouldn't let him pay me back. He texted me the next day, saying "I think I owe you for that milkshake." And I said, "Oh yeah?" And he responded, "I think I could pay you back with a date...what do you say?" We ended up going bowling and out to dinner and I was so excited and nervous and happy. Haha, still, I was thinking that this would just be a fun summer fling. Well, to make a long story short... He pretty much won me over. By the end of the summer, I realized that I really liked this guy and I didn't know what to do about it. I was super apprehensive about continuing to date him when we returned to Utah because I knew that things would probably start to get pretty serious. That freaked me out! Hello? I'm 19! Anyways, we've continued to date and it's been almost 4 months now. I can hardly believe it. J.D. is really a remarkable person. He is so selfless and willing to serve other people. I know that he will make an incredible father and an amazing husband. I love him very much and hold him so close to my heart. I am so excited to see what the future brings. . . I know that as we keep the commandments and strive to do the things we know we should, we will blessed with the companionship of the Holy Ghost. Big decisions are coming soon for me, I can feel it. I know that I can turn to the Lord for guidance and comfort in all my life's decisions. How grateful I am for that! I love my life. I love my roommates. I love my boyfriend. I love the gospel. Life is good. :)