Monday, October 27, 2008

lowsy blogger

so.. i am a pretty lowsy blogger. and that makes me a little sad because i am a pretty lowsy journal writer too. i feel like i don't have the time to blog. when really... i just don't make the time. i am so blessed to live with the girls that i do. they are amazing girls who are bright and beautiful, so capable, and who really have the desire to lead righteous lives. i am so grateful that i have the opportunity to live with them and to be a part of their lives. in a way, i don't want to get married just yet because i feel like i would miss out on amazing opportunities like the ones i am having. i don't know... it is so overwhelming sometimes to think about jd and about the future and the fact that i really have no idea what the next year is going to bring. i wish i wasn't so apprehensive- that i could just love him and give my life to him and never doubt that decision. i feel like i haven't developed the faith i need to devote my whole self to someone else. i feel like that is such a vulnerable place to be and i am scared. i try not to be.. and sometimes i convince myself that there is nothing to be afraid of. but honestly, if you were to break down all the walls, and peel away the pretenses... you would find that i'm a wreck. i don't know why this opportunity has come into my life right now. i don't want to make this decision. i just want to play and to go to school and work and serve a mission. i just want to date for fun and experience independence. then again... i want to share my life with him. i want to love him and do everything in my power to make him happy. i want to tell him my secrets, my stories, my fears, my dreams.. i want to build a home and live the principles of the gospel... i want to come home to him, to kiss him goodnight every night for the rest of my life. and then i think about stephen and how i wanted all these things with him too. i was so happy with him. and then i just get afraid again. because if i felt those things with stephen and it felt so right but it didn't work out... and i feel these things for jd and it feels so right... how do i know it is going to work out? i don't want to hurt him and i don't want to get hurt. i am scared that he has no idea what he is really getting into... that he doesn't know that i can't cook and that i'm a terrible seamstress, and that i struggle when i can't find answers to my gospel questions, and that i forget to say my morning prayers, and that i really really don't like animals, and that i'm a lot weaker on the inside than i seem from the outside. i feel like if he really knew me, he might not think i am as wonderful as he presently thinks... i don't know... i feel like he is so righteous and that i am simply not what he deserves as a wife. and that is such a horrible thing to say... but i really do feel that way. i feel like i am so immature and that i like pink too much and i don't know how to decorate a home and i don't know how to run a family. and ah. i just never,ever thought i would ever even be considering marriage at 19 and now it's happening and it's like i just don't know what to do with all these thoughts. and jd is so wonderful when i start feeling like this... i just talk and cry and he just listens and tells me that if i am doing the things i know i should be doing... then the Lord will bless me and i will have the direction that i need. and he tells me that he doesn't want to rush anything and that he loves me and that he wants me to be happy and that he wants me to feel peace... and everytime he tells me that... my soul is still and it is okay. it is okay to let your heart love. it is okay to be loved. it is okay to be this happy forever and ever. because honestly, i am the happiest i have ever been in my life and i don't want to lose this feeling. nonetheless, i still worry the way i do about everything and i am really working on developing the faith to make a decision and know it is right... pray for me :)

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