To my future husband and the father of my children.

Okay, so I've posted a lot lately... but I've been thinking a lot lately and I have a lot of things to say lately. 

Today is Father's Day and I am, of course, grateful for my Dad and for my Papa and Grandpa and all of the other incredible men in my life who are father-like figures. But, there's been another man on my mind today as well.

Last semester, I visited residents at a nearby retirement home on a weekly basis. I spoke with them in their rooms, played games with them in the activities room, and attended many social functions in the main hall. I feel terrible because I can't remember most of their names and I doubt any of them remember mine... but there was one man in particular that I loved to visit whose wisdom hasn't faded from my mind. He had been widowed for a few years, but he loved his wife nonetheless. Together they had ten children and I spent many an afternoon sitting at his feet listening to the stories of their lives. One day he told me a story that particularly touched my heart. He said that when he first started dating his sweetheart and began to realize he was falling in love with her, he wanted to come up with a nice nickname to call her. He knew that he wanted to marry her and that she was the woman he had dreamed would be the mother to his children. He decided that he would call her "mother" from that day forward... and he did. Before they were married and before they had children, he called her "mother." He wanted her to know how much it meant to him to be a parent, to raise children, and he thought she deserved that special title more than anyone else.

I remember when the aging man told me this little story. It made me think a lot about life, about the roles parents play, about love and what it really means, about growing old with someone, about losing people close to you, about understanding what matters most, and about learning from the past. Everytime I spoke with him, he made me think.

He loved his wife in an extraordinary way. I could see it in his eyes and I had never even met her. It's the type of love that is rare and incredibly beautiful, mature with age and experience. It's the type of love that every person dreams of finding. I could have just sat in his room and watched him and learned something. I will never forget his kindness, his wisdom, and his patience.

One of the most memorable things he taught me was that you don't become a parent the day you have a child... you become a parent the day you are born. From the earliest days of your life on, you make decisions. Every decision you make is one that builds your character. Every choice you make is one that shapes you into the person you are to become. Each step you take will be one your child may ask about. What do you want your choices to say about who you were? Before your children are even born, you are setting an example. Who do you want them to follow?

It has taken me a while to get to the point of this blog post... but the point is... I am incredibly grateful for the man my children will call Dad.

Thank you for living a life that our children can pattern. Thank you for being a good friend, for knowing how to have good fun, for avoiding the influence of drugs and alcohol, for loving your mom, for learning the stories in the scriptures, for serving a mission and returning with honor, for remaining worthy to enter the House of the Lord, for being slow to judge and quick to forgive, for looking for the best in others, for maintaining relationships, for being sincere and genuine, for being remarkably faithful, for working hard even when you don't want to, for the choices you've made that have turned you into the man you are.

JD... I have no idea what I did to deserve you, but I want you and all the world to know, that I love you and that I cannot wait to be your wife, your companion, and your very closest friend for the rest of time. On Father's Day and always, I thank our Father in Heaven for you and all that you are. I miss you, I love you, and I can't wait to see your precious face.

To my dad.

Thank you for teaching me the importance of hard work and diligence, for pretending that I don't ever have to worry about how much things cost, for singing songs to our family, for being worthy of the priesthood you hold, for always paying an honest tithe, for helping me to learn the stories of the scriptures, for encouraging me to always try my best, for wanting to talk to me on the phone when I'm stressed out or bored, for backing me financially, for showing me how to love people, for being an example of leadership, for taking me to church every Sunday, for giving great hugs, for loving the outdoors, for helping me to understand the importance of history, for telling stories from the Alamo that teach me valuable life lessons, for being emotional when it matters, for loving children, for always being respectful to neighbors and friends, for seeing people as they are on the inside, for knowing the right words to say, and for loving mom.

I couldn't ask for more from a father or a friend.
You mean the world to me and I hope you know it. I love you. Happy Father's Day.

People just like us.

I had such an interesting week last week. I had two campers and both had autism in varying degrees. One of my campers was 10 years old and almost completely non-verbal. On the first day of camp, he exploded while we were doing arts and crafts. He started yelling and screaming and I had to hold him down on a bean bag. He pinched and elbowed me and I had to keep him from hurting other campers. He hit another camper 3 or 4 times on the back and was sent home. I have bruise marks on my arms from where he pinched me. Despite the fact that he tried to attack me, I was so sad to see him go. He was such an angel when he wasn't going crazy. At first I didn't understand why he would do that... but then I realized how frustrating it must be to not be able to communicate what you're feeling. I think he was trying to tell me something and I was not getting it. I couldn't help but love him. Camp decided to let him have a second chance and he came back on Tuesday. He was much more cooperative the rest of the week. Whenever he seemed frustrated or on the verge of a breakdown, I asked him for "hugs." He would throw his arms around me and look up and smile. It totally melted my heart. One thing that I've thought a lot about since I have been here is how the parents of these people must feel. The week I spend with them is trying and difficult, but they leave after five days. Their parents have to care for them everyday of their lives after that. How tiring! I think the love they have is something I will never fully understand unless I have a child with a disability. I have realized how important it is that we really do use 'people first' terminology. I really think that is one lesson I have learned through actually spending time with these people. Despite their physical and mental limitations, they are people...people with families who love them unconditionally and miss them when they are away... people who have feelings...people just like us.

In Ten Days

It is incredible what 10 days' time can teach you when you spend it entirely with someone who has a disability. I have learned more in the past two weeks than I ever thought I would.

When I signed up to work this summer at Camp Kostopulus, I really had no idea what I was getting in to.

I didn't know that I would literally be so drained both physically and emotionally that I wanted to give up. I didn't know I would be in charge of setting up equipment at night for someone whose life depended on it. I didn't know I would be solely responsible for the personal care and attention of another human being. I didn't know my back would ache from the physical labor of transfering a 24-year old man from his chair to his bed to the toilet and back again every day for 5 days. I didn't know my patience would be tried by an 18-year old boy whose appetite is uncontrollable and whose mind's only focus is the attainment of food. I didn't know I would stay up to the wee hours of the night stroking a 35-year old woman's hair until she fell back to sleep and calming an aging woman whose nightmares overwhelmed her. I didn't know I would laugh so hard on a bathroom floor with a girl whose body is crippled by cerebral palsy and who found it humorous that I really had no idea what I was doing as I tried to shift and move her body in order to change her diaper. I didn't know I would be so frightened by a camper who sweat through his clothes in the nightand looked like he was speaking parseltongue. I didn't know the triumph I would see in a young girl's eyes as she mastered a challenging element on the high ropes course or worked up the courage to ride on the back of a horse. I had no idea that my heart would become so intertwined in the lives of so many people who I will probably never see again. I had no idea I would be so completely and utterly happy.

In ten days, I have learned... to love my body and celebrate the ability I have to move and walk and dance, to never take for granted the blessing it is to shower yourself and brush your own teeth and wipe your own bum, to recognize the miracle it is to leap and run and get up when you want to, to remember the importance of loving others for who they are on the inside, to share, to play, to pay attention to little every day miracles. When you break down all the complications of a developed mind and learn to think on the most basic level, there are a million reasons in life to smile.

Happy, but selfish, tears.

So.. yesterday was Kylie's wedding. Her dress was beautiful and she was beautiful.

Her and Daniel are both really attractive people.

Her sister, Halie, got home from Thailand last week. It was fun to see all the Packs together :)

Cake.

Flowers.

Set-up.

Bridesmaids.

Happy bride :)

I didn't cry all day until she danced with her dad.

Cutest thing ever!

Best friend.

The party.

Bridesmaids and groomsmen decorating the car.

Sparkler exit! I want this :)

Our girl is gone!

All around it was a pretty happy day. It's been really interesting to see my friends getting married and going to various receptions and seeing how they do things. The whole backyard was beautiful and things came together really nicely. There were so many wonderful people there helping her mom out. It was also really nice to have Kelly's parents there. I thought a lot about her when Kylie was dancing with her dad. Katie and I just held hands and cried as we watched our best friend. I don't know if she was thinking the same things I was, but right then I really wished Kelly could be there with us. It was a bittersweet cry. So much happiness, but a little bit of sadness too. I'm sure that Kylie probably thought of Kel yesterday too. I don't know if I'm ever going to get used to my friends getting married... even when I'm married. It's just a huge flashing sign to remind me that I'm growing up faster than I want to be. I asked Sean if he felt old that his littlest sister was getting married... he told me that he didn't feel old, he just felt that Kylie was way too young to be getting married anyway. At the temple, he started speaking really loudly to Kylie and was like, "Kylie, I know you like to play dress up. But really, Kylie? Taking it to the temple and pretending like you are getting married? That's pushing it a little bit. There are girls here who are actually brides today and you are taking up their space with your silly games. Let's go home." Some people looked at our party a little funny, but that's just Sean. But it was a good day. I think that I'll probably cry at every one of my friend's weddings. Happy, but selfish, tears. I want my friends back.

Just right.

My whole life I have been really quick to judge people who get married after a mere 2 or 3 weeks dating someone, even 2 or 3 months. There are girls I have known in my wards, in my classes at school, in pre-marital classes, through mutual friends, in my apartment complexes... basically everywhere... who completely astound me. I cannot believe how quickly they've been able to commit to marrying someone. I have been dating J.D. for 11 months and I know that some of my friends and family at home are questioning my sanity. I would like to see their faces if they talked to the students here at BYU who have both met and married their spouses in a month's time. I have never quite been able to fathom the stupidity of these people.

But today, I was thinking and reflecting... I had an inkling that I wanted to marry J.D. by September. I was pretty sure by October. And although slow to admit it, I was positive by November. Still, we aren't getting married until August. What?

I know people may act like it takes forever to plan a wedding, but I've come to the conclusion that, if I were to really focus on wedding planning, I would need, tops, 2 months to do everything. I've just been dragging my feet a bit and taking my sweet time because I have the sweet time to take.

The conclusion that I've come to is this: I have been too quick to judge. Who am I to say that so-and-so's engagement was wayyy too short and so-and-so's engagement was wayyyy too long? Who am I to say which way they should've done this or that or the other thing? So to all of you out there who I have judged pretty harshly for your haste in the race to get married, I apologize. I have no idea what your story is. Your timing was probably just right.

Lately

So I've survived a week and a day without J.D. and it definitely hasn't been easy... but it's okay. For the first little bit, all I did was sleep. But lately, the Knowldens have realized that I can be pretty helpful. I've been taking the kids places and picking them up when they need to be picked up. I run errands sometimes and I help with stuff at home. I think Tiffanie likes having me here the most because she borrows my clothes/shoes/jewelry everyday. It doesn't bother me because she is pretty good at putting it back... but usually when I can't find something... she has it. Brayden and Tiff are starting to treat me less as a guest and more as a sister, which is good because now I don't feel quite as invasive. Larry also really likes having me here because I'm really obedient and I'm good at being nice to Tiffanie and to Brayden, which he likes. On Saturday, it was work day. We did a lot of stuff around here. I stained this really cute outside rocking chair and worked on stacking up a bunch of wood in the backyard. It was hard work because it was basically just wood from the house that was knocked out in the re-model and it still had a bunch of nails in it. I had to pull out all the nails and then stack it. My back started hurting a lot and I didn't finish all of it... but it was a good start. I also helped Stephanie organize some craft stuff, which she has a lot of and it was a little overwhelming. Most of it is junk, but she has a good eye for potential and she wants to keep it all. Larry got some couches for J.D. and I from a friend of a friend or something and has been storing them in the garage. The Knowldens wanted to be able to put their cars in the garage so they decided we would clean it out. So I helped with that too. We cleared everything out and were able to move the cars in. J.D. has like eight bins of junk in the garage. It was pretty ridiculous. :) Larry also tilled his gardens and planted some seeds. Tiff mowed the lawn and the cranky next door neighbor's lawn too. She called the cops the other night because we were making too much noise and it was after nine. So stupid! But the Knowldens just decided that they are going to win her over with love and are trying to be very charitable even though they all can't stand her! Haha. Larry was complaining about the heat all day, and I was soaking up the good weather. It wasn't bad at all! I loved it! I told him that he is going to die in Texas in August. I have loved the weather. We walked to a neighbor's for a barbeque yesterday. It was pretty fun and really yummy. Then we went to Steph's sister's for dessert. J.D.'s cousin Tara is pregnant and she told the family yesterday. She was glowing :) His Grandma Gay pretty much loves me too and she got my number yesterday because she wants to go to lunch or something sometime. I'm starting to feel less and less weird being around J.D.'s family, but nothing changes the fact that I miss my family. And that in the end, when all is said and done, I still want to move back to TEXAS when I graduate!